Good Enough? Maybe, Maybe not.

I often find myself lost in thoughts, daydreaming or just wandering away from the things I’m supposed to do. Dreaming about a place, an ideal scenario, a life; where I would’ve made different, maybe somewhat sensible and correct choices. Instead of rushing through, acting on impulse almost always, I should’ve thought things through, weighed the pros and cons of everything and then locked my decision. But me being me (highly impulsive and terribly indecisive), always always act on a whim without even giving the consequences even a cursory thought.

Most of the times, I end up wondering about what could’ve been, had I made a different choice. It’s only human to wonder, think and assure yourself that maybe the door you did not choose, the one you abandoned for the other; maybe, just maybe, had everything you ever wished for. That’s when you think you made an incorrect choice, doubt yourself and often wonder – Is this good enough? Maybe, Maybe not.

This happens almost always with me and I feel it is safe to say that I know there are many more mortals like me out there in the big, dark, crazy world who doubt, wonder and second guess everything in life. I plead guilty. Maybe because we are tuned in ways where we doubt ourselves, by default. 

After having made the choice, I always wonder if it was the right thing for me and those around me. The immediate thoughts that run in my mind are: Am I good enough for him/her? Am I good enough at work? Am I good enough for my family? Am I? Maybe. Maybe not. Most of the times, in this maybe/maybe not game I play with my mind, the answer almost always ends up being – Maybe not.

The never ending could’ve, should’ve and what if scenarios playing incessantly in my head, triggering the one question we all keep battling throughout our lives – Am I good enough? Answer to which almost always remains – maybe not.

Having ranted all of the above, I don’t regret being impulsive or taking uncalculated risks because let’s be honest it is exactly what has brought me where I am today- maybe my mistakes or choices have made me take the longer route, different route, maybe. But I’m content. At least that’s what I think.

Good enough? Well, maybe.

In Omnia Paratus

I heard this Latin phrase for the first time while I was binge watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix. And oh boy! I fell in love with not only the characters namely Rory Gilmore and Logan Huntzberger, but also with the phrase – In Omnia Paratus. For those of you who haven’t watched the series or don’t know what this phrase means, let me give you some context.

So, the quintessential girl-next-door character Rory in the series Gilmore girls is on a quest to find details about an elite club – The life and death brigade – for the university daily. She attends and partakes in the events of this elite club or society whose motto is ‘In Omnia Paratus’ which means ready for anything. This phrase has been stuck in my head for all the right reasons. Firstly, because I fell in love with Logan for being the guy I have always dreamt about. Second and most importantly, the Latin phrase is so powerful, motivating you to be ready for whatever comes your way.

For someone like me who is scared about everything, right from selecting a new ice cream flavour to try a new sport because what if I don’t like the flavor I choose to experiment with or what if I fall, hurt myself and get scarred? This is applicable in every other aspect of my life, be it personal or professional. I second guess myself a lot and mostly end up playing the role of devil’s advocate, 9 out of 10 times in a day. I’ve never liked taking chances in my life, always looked forward to certainty with regards to everything, right from the people in my life to my career - I like and prefer being certain about everything.

But hey, you cannot always control things. And if there’s something that I’ve learnt from everything I’ve been through, then it’s this – you have to take a chance no matter what, never know who or what might surprise you and sweep you off your feet. And this is when this Latin phrase struck all the right chords with me. I’m not saying that I’m not scared anymore about taking chances, facing uncertainty; but I sure have found strength in me to jump into the unknown, all the while hoping it turns out to be good.

Life isn’t perfect, right? When you’re sad, you look forward to being happy and when you’re finally happy, you worry about how things could possibly go wrong. It’s a vicious cycle that will never stop but I guess, you’ve to live with it and be ready for anything and everything that might come your away. The best and only fool proof plan that you can have is to take everything in your stride, face your difficulties and struggles head on, and emerge a winner. Don’t let anyone or anything pull you down and make you doubt your worth or mettle. Not even your own insecurities, self-doubt or self-pity. 

Every morning, when you wake up say this to yourself and I bet you’ll have a spring in your step and a smile on your face. To all the girlies – It’ll help keep the wrinkles at bay. *Wink* *Wink* 

Worth a try, right? Keep smiling.

An Open Letter to the 19-Year-Old Me

Hi there,

Before I start blabbering, let me warn you about the things I’m going to tell you (don’t worry, nothing major). Most of it will make you want to roll your eyes and throw this letter away. Some of it, you might just take it as advice (I’m not sure about it). Anyways, there are a few things you should know. Few things that kept you awake the whole night, that made you cry and scream, that made you angry and drove you crazy. Remember, when you step into my shoes, all of this - everything - will seem trivial and not worthy of your precious tears. These are things you’ll wish you knew, life wouldn’t have seemed to be such a big burden on your delicate shoulders. So, brace yourself.

There are nights when you cry yourself to sleep. Maybe because of that girl in school who said some nasty things about you. Maybe because you found out that the guy you liked had someone else in his life. Maybe you felt lost and couldn’t see where you want to be in the next few years. Maybe because you fought with your mom because she asked you to help her with some household chores. Maybe because you don’t really think you fit ‘in’ with the gang of friends you have in college, but losing them breaks your heart. Maybe because you can’t stand the rumors about you but you have no clue what to do about them. Maybe you’re crushed under the burden of proving yourself to everyone – family, friends, teachers and to strangers. People whom you don’t even know exist but you pass by them every day, pair of eyes who follow your footsteps from the moment you step inside the college gates to the moment you step out. Maybe because you’re lost and don’t know how those dreams and wishes would come true.

Take a deep breath, baby. Calm down. These problems might seem like mountains you’ll never be able to cross. But I assure you, you will. All you need is time and patience (which I  know you're not but what's the harm in trying?). Because when you look back, you’ll laugh at most of the things you spent hours being sad about.

Don’t worry about the nasty things people say to you, let those words not affect you. The guy who broke your heart isn’t the only guy who will do that. There will be times when you will, too, break hearts unknowingly or on purpose. But it’s all part of the game till you find someone you want to hold on to and who holds on to you too. I shall let you in on a little secret (feel free to tell those who you think might need to hear the same) you know how you and your friends hope to meet that perfect person meant for you? Well yeah, you’re not going to bump into him/her in the college or may neither find him /her seated next to you on the flight. But don’t lose heart you’ll eventually find that person. Your fights with your mom or dad might seem like a lot now, but believe me when I say they mean well. They’re the best you can get and all that you’ll ever need, so don’t hurt them because they love you with everything that they have. Next, the friends that you worry you’ll lose, let them go. Friends stay no matter what and if they don’t you’ll have to learn the hard way. Let people talk whatever they want about you, it’s because they can’t see you grow into a better person and achieve your dreams. But remember don’t hurt anyone in your quest to succeed and achieve laurels in life. Take them with you and remember those who helped you grow. Lastly, don’t worry about proving your worth to anyone at all. Don’t let other’s opinion about you stop you from doing what your heart wants.

Follow your heart, smile a lot, look forward to everything you do and give your best. Take those chances you’re scared to take, go to places you’ve never been, talk to people you don’t know and you’ll see life isn’t half as bad as you think it is.

I know you’re 19 and you’re probably rolling your eyes while reading all of this. It may sound preachy to you (all the wisdom I’ve gained over the years has made me wise, can’t help it bruh) but I know you’ll thank me later.

Love,

Your 24-year-old young self.