lost or found ?

When you’re lost. Not in a way that you don’t know which lane or street you’re on or not the way a GPS or google maps cannot help. In a way that you’re lost in your own mind. You’re lost in what you think is best for you, or your immediate loved ones. You’re stretched between what is the best option and are scared of making a choice, a definitive one which will have implications – good or bad, you just don’t know yet. A choice that you may regret, maybe not. A choice that may lead you to wonder whether the alternate option would have had better consequences. Maybe not. The sense of not being able to be happy. To be lost. To find happiness. To see it. To be near it. To almost have it. Yet feel that you’re light years away from it, to feel it slipping away from your hands and there’s no way out of this rabbit hole. You’re just spiralling down in this rabbit hole and seeking help, shouting, yelling and crying. Begging. But no one can see what you’re going through, because you choose to barricade your heart with walls high enough no one can jump. With walls strong enough no one can break. These walls surround you. There’s no chance in hell for someone to go around it and find a loop hole, an entry – to lend a hand and maybe pull you out. or maybe a shoulder to lean on and cry for hours on end.

Because crying is a symbol of weakness for many. Who am I kidding? Crying is a symbol of weakness, seeking sympathy for the entire world. You’re mocked for it. You’re called fragile and many more names that I wouldn’t want to waste my character count for. But I hope you got the drift. To show your vulnerabilities is frowned upon. To be vulnerable or to be expressive, to let someone inside the high, strong walls you’ve built as your defence mechanism may seem the worst idea ever. Because you fear being mocked. You fear being judged. You fear being made into a joke for the world to see. And so you hide your tears and emotions in front of the world, put up a brave face and bear the brunt, unwillingly. But once you’re back in your room, all alone. You let it out, cry hours on end with your face pressed to the pillow. Hoping to not make any sounds and worry anyone. Because it will just be a cycle of being looked at as petty, trivial, weak and childish.

Come on, you’re in your mid 20s. you ought to be better. Mature. Smarter. Tougher. Mindful. All of this at hiding your emotions, putting a brave face in front of the world and losing a small piece of yourself every single day that you have to put up this charade. Not for you. But for the notion’s society holds of a grown up human in his/her mid 20s, inching towards being more stable, settled and rooted.

But you know the reality of your life. You’re far from being mature. Or rooted. Or stable. Or heck even settled. Being a mid 20s human myself, I know I am in the most difficult crisis. A battle I know nothing of. Have no textbook to refer to. Have no exams that can qualify or grade me at my performance. But rather I have the comments and taunts of people, the society – those who think they’ve figured it all. Who have excelled at life. At being stable. At being rooted. at being mature about life problems and have dealt with it with utmost grace and poise.

On the other hand, I am willing to throw everything within my reach at every problem that life throws at me. I have tried everything. Pitied at my problems, have had countless sleepless nights and have been worried sick for not being able to ace the ‘perfect’ life. Have had recurring bouts of anxiety while trying to hold it all together while watching it all slip away. No atter what you do, how much you try, and even after giving it your all, there comes a brief moment where you think you have figured the formula, or are closer to achieving the fruits of your labour. And then BOOM. Life throws a googly at you, completely out of the left field and hits you harder than you’ve imagined. Because you didn’t prepare for this. The infinite number of exams, the textbooks and resources you’ve referred to and learnt from, spending almost 20 years of your life studying, learning and prepping, aimed at equipping you to manage and handle this thing called ‘life’ –  funnily still leaves you unequipped and lost after all of this efforts and countless hours of laborious, mental and physical training.

My question is to you - then what will prep us or equip us at handling life, at faring better? Because top grades certificates are surely of no help here. 

Taken, for granted.

I keep telling myself ‘this too shall pass’ and to not obsess over every piece of news that I read. I keep praying that these clouds will go away and there will be sunshine, and we’ll get to spend our days lying down under the shade of the tree, surrounded with the people we love and good food, laughing and dancing on some country tunes. These thoughts and the view from the big french windows in my bedroom are the only things (and there is the occasional comfort food and dessert, too) that is keeping me sane – the promise of returning to ‘normal’.

From stepping out for coffee dates, sleepover at a friend’s place, a family dinner or even being excited on seeing an out-station relative or someone who’s returned from abroad with your favourite goodies, to aimlessly wandering in the city alone – this all seems like a distant memory. Times like these, make me realize that we took so much for granted – smallest of things like touching a door knob and not rushing to spray sanitizer on your hands or even talking without a mask on your face and being huddled in a group, a time when ‘social distancing’ wasn’t a thing. So much has been taken for granted.

87 days, 2088 hours, 1,25,280 minutes – since the day I have been holed up in my house, the four walls that keeps me and my family safe. I keep thinking what would have happened if I had not moved back home last November? What would have I done if I were still in Bangalore, living in a PG? At this point, I do not regret giving up the possibilities of an appraisal and a salary hike that I would’ve received if I had stayed put in Namma Bengaluru, and I thank god for this.

Since we’re all stuck at home with nowhere to go, the work-life balance has gone for a toss for everybody, with long hours and the line between weekday and weekends blurred, I have forgotten what ‘Friyay’ felt like . In the office, there’d be a spring in everyone’s step on a Friday morning – some had plans for a weekend trip to check off another place on their bucket list and get gram worthy pictures to show off, others planned to get sloshed in the evening and do ‘friyay’ the right way and nurse a terrible hangover over the weekend (with some more alcohol, maybe), or maybe just finish work, get home, complete household chores, watch a movie, read a book, catch up with the fam – just pause, before the Monday blues hit all of us again.

Fast forward to the lockdown, stuck in one place and with restrictions on movement outside the house (which have been eased way more than required, but that's a discussion for another day), our emotions have oscillated from being hopeful to restless to frustrated and to being hopeful again. At the start of all this, for most of us, the glass was half full, but as days pass by its more of the glass being half empty. Although I know each one of us is struggling to be optimistic as much as possible, doing every bit we can to hold onto a promise of not a ‘better’ tomorrow but a ‘normal’  tomorrow, and when the day comes I hope, we never make #throwback our most frequent used hashtag.

Good Enough? Maybe, Maybe not.

I often find myself lost in thoughts, daydreaming or just wandering away from the things I’m supposed to do. Dreaming about a place, an ideal scenario, a life; where I would’ve made different, maybe somewhat sensible and correct choices. Instead of rushing through, acting on impulse almost always, I should’ve thought things through, weighed the pros and cons of everything and then locked my decision. But me being me (highly impulsive and terribly indecisive), always always act on a whim without even giving the consequences even a cursory thought.

Most of the times, I end up wondering about what could’ve been, had I made a different choice. It’s only human to wonder, think and assure yourself that maybe the door you did not choose, the one you abandoned for the other; maybe, just maybe, had everything you ever wished for. That’s when you think you made an incorrect choice, doubt yourself and often wonder – Is this good enough? Maybe, Maybe not.

This happens almost always with me and I feel it is safe to say that I know there are many more mortals like me out there in the big, dark, crazy world who doubt, wonder and second guess everything in life. I plead guilty. Maybe because we are tuned in ways where we doubt ourselves, by default. 

After having made the choice, I always wonder if it was the right thing for me and those around me. The immediate thoughts that run in my mind are: Am I good enough for him/her? Am I good enough at work? Am I good enough for my family? Am I? Maybe. Maybe not. Most of the times, in this maybe/maybe not game I play with my mind, the answer almost always ends up being – Maybe not.

The never ending could’ve, should’ve and what if scenarios playing incessantly in my head, triggering the one question we all keep battling throughout our lives – Am I good enough? Answer to which almost always remains – maybe not.

Having ranted all of the above, I don’t regret being impulsive or taking uncalculated risks because let’s be honest it is exactly what has brought me where I am today- maybe my mistakes or choices have made me take the longer route, different route, maybe. But I’m content. At least that’s what I think.

Good enough? Well, maybe.

In Omnia Paratus

I heard this Latin phrase for the first time while I was binge watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix. And oh boy! I fell in love with not only the characters namely Rory Gilmore and Logan Huntzberger, but also with the phrase – In Omnia Paratus. For those of you who haven’t watched the series or don’t know what this phrase means, let me give you some context.

So, the quintessential girl-next-door character Rory in the series Gilmore girls is on a quest to find details about an elite club – The life and death brigade – for the university daily. She attends and partakes in the events of this elite club or society whose motto is ‘In Omnia Paratus’ which means ready for anything. This phrase has been stuck in my head for all the right reasons. Firstly, because I fell in love with Logan for being the guy I have always dreamt about. Second and most importantly, the Latin phrase is so powerful, motivating you to be ready for whatever comes your way.

For someone like me who is scared about everything, right from selecting a new ice cream flavour to try a new sport because what if I don’t like the flavor I choose to experiment with or what if I fall, hurt myself and get scarred? This is applicable in every other aspect of my life, be it personal or professional. I second guess myself a lot and mostly end up playing the role of devil’s advocate, 9 out of 10 times in a day. I’ve never liked taking chances in my life, always looked forward to certainty with regards to everything, right from the people in my life to my career - I like and prefer being certain about everything.

But hey, you cannot always control things. And if there’s something that I’ve learnt from everything I’ve been through, then it’s this – you have to take a chance no matter what, never know who or what might surprise you and sweep you off your feet. And this is when this Latin phrase struck all the right chords with me. I’m not saying that I’m not scared anymore about taking chances, facing uncertainty; but I sure have found strength in me to jump into the unknown, all the while hoping it turns out to be good.

Life isn’t perfect, right? When you’re sad, you look forward to being happy and when you’re finally happy, you worry about how things could possibly go wrong. It’s a vicious cycle that will never stop but I guess, you’ve to live with it and be ready for anything and everything that might come your away. The best and only fool proof plan that you can have is to take everything in your stride, face your difficulties and struggles head on, and emerge a winner. Don’t let anyone or anything pull you down and make you doubt your worth or mettle. Not even your own insecurities, self-doubt or self-pity. 

Every morning, when you wake up say this to yourself and I bet you’ll have a spring in your step and a smile on your face. To all the girlies – It’ll help keep the wrinkles at bay. *Wink* *Wink* 

Worth a try, right? Keep smiling.

An Open Letter to the 19-Year-Old Me

Hi there,

Before I start blabbering, let me warn you about the things I’m going to tell you (don’t worry, nothing major). Most of it will make you want to roll your eyes and throw this letter away. Some of it, you might just take it as advice (I’m not sure about it). Anyways, there are a few things you should know. Few things that kept you awake the whole night, that made you cry and scream, that made you angry and drove you crazy. Remember, when you step into my shoes, all of this - everything - will seem trivial and not worthy of your precious tears. These are things you’ll wish you knew, life wouldn’t have seemed to be such a big burden on your delicate shoulders. So, brace yourself.

There are nights when you cry yourself to sleep. Maybe because of that girl in school who said some nasty things about you. Maybe because you found out that the guy you liked had someone else in his life. Maybe you felt lost and couldn’t see where you want to be in the next few years. Maybe because you fought with your mom because she asked you to help her with some household chores. Maybe because you don’t really think you fit ‘in’ with the gang of friends you have in college, but losing them breaks your heart. Maybe because you can’t stand the rumors about you but you have no clue what to do about them. Maybe you’re crushed under the burden of proving yourself to everyone – family, friends, teachers and to strangers. People whom you don’t even know exist but you pass by them every day, pair of eyes who follow your footsteps from the moment you step inside the college gates to the moment you step out. Maybe because you’re lost and don’t know how those dreams and wishes would come true.

Take a deep breath, baby. Calm down. These problems might seem like mountains you’ll never be able to cross. But I assure you, you will. All you need is time and patience (which I  know you're not but what's the harm in trying?). Because when you look back, you’ll laugh at most of the things you spent hours being sad about.

Don’t worry about the nasty things people say to you, let those words not affect you. The guy who broke your heart isn’t the only guy who will do that. There will be times when you will, too, break hearts unknowingly or on purpose. But it’s all part of the game till you find someone you want to hold on to and who holds on to you too. I shall let you in on a little secret (feel free to tell those who you think might need to hear the same) you know how you and your friends hope to meet that perfect person meant for you? Well yeah, you’re not going to bump into him/her in the college or may neither find him /her seated next to you on the flight. But don’t lose heart you’ll eventually find that person. Your fights with your mom or dad might seem like a lot now, but believe me when I say they mean well. They’re the best you can get and all that you’ll ever need, so don’t hurt them because they love you with everything that they have. Next, the friends that you worry you’ll lose, let them go. Friends stay no matter what and if they don’t you’ll have to learn the hard way. Let people talk whatever they want about you, it’s because they can’t see you grow into a better person and achieve your dreams. But remember don’t hurt anyone in your quest to succeed and achieve laurels in life. Take them with you and remember those who helped you grow. Lastly, don’t worry about proving your worth to anyone at all. Don’t let other’s opinion about you stop you from doing what your heart wants.

Follow your heart, smile a lot, look forward to everything you do and give your best. Take those chances you’re scared to take, go to places you’ve never been, talk to people you don’t know and you’ll see life isn’t half as bad as you think it is.

I know you’re 19 and you’re probably rolling your eyes while reading all of this. It may sound preachy to you (all the wisdom I’ve gained over the years has made me wise, can’t help it bruh) but I know you’ll thank me later.

Love,

Your 24-year-old young self.

The Rants of a Twenty Something

Thinking about the could have’s and would have’s, imagining how your life would turn out to be if you would have made different choices and painting an imaginary picture in your head of the perfect happy life, we’ve all done this at some point or the other as we stride through our 20s! To say the least, I have thought about all these and more and it’s not even like a once-in-a-blue-moon kinda thing, it is more of a my-favorite-hobby kind of stuff. Guilty as charged. And I thought it is just me, but turns out most of us go through this, irrespective of the age bracket we fall in. For most of us who have just started out, I’d like to welcome you to the approaching-mid-twenties crisis club! (or maybe twisted twenties? Doesn’t matter, bleh. And yes, don’t worry you don’t need a formal swearing in ceremony or an invite to the exclusive club, open for all, I say)

As we begin the most exciting phases of our life, the part we’ve always looked forward to since we were tiny weeny kids, where we ought to be all charged up, enthusiastic and clear headed about all the possibilities that lie ahead of us. The irony is, we are the exact opposite, to be precise we are clueless as hell, nervous wrecks, waiting for someone to give us some sense of direction that too like literally hold our hands and point it out to us and say, “here child, this is the path you can take and this is how you go about”. And I know at this point many will disagree with me by saying “No we want to live life on our own terms and we wouldn’t want someone to dictate anything to us”. Well true that, but what do you do when you lose sight of that terms and conditions you made up for yourself? Think think.

You constantly struggle with each passing day, what with people weighing you down with plenty of decisions to make and countless hearts to keep happy. And trust me, taking decisions can get you down so badly that a petty thing like, say for instance deciding on a PG to stay, can get you worried and depressed beyond repair (experience speaks), where you’ll constantly question yourself whether it was the right choice you made. Expectations weigh you down and what adds more to all this drama is that you’re expected to be correct every time! That is too much to ask for, trust me I still get troubled while deciding on which flavor ice-cream should I get or what to have for lunch, while constantly thinking in my head “is that the right flavor for me?”. Don’t ask me to take life changing decisions, please? Too much stress I tell you.

And the constant need to be politically correct, everywhere. Leave alone the things you say, but also the expressions on your face also matters. I mean I hate the fact that my tongue and my expressions never matches, nope, I cannot control this one. Sighs. And most of us end up with a foot-in-the-mouth situation at the wrong time and at the wrong place with the wrong people. So much for freedom of speech?

On the other hand, friends and the special one’s in your life are supposed to make you feel happy. But no, how can you be happy and content with your life, especially when you’re in your twisted twenties? But when you’re doomed, everything and everyone decides to be after your life. Making sure that you don’t get on anyone’s nerves coupled with conversations that you must tread carefully or you might just get beaten up with heavy doses of emotional blackmail, is like walking inside a tunnel and hoping for a ray of light but instead the tunnel gets darker and darker as you keep trudging along. The thing is you’re no longer a kid, so you cannot just act like one, but it is perfectly fine when people around you behave like an infant who’s on a crying spree. But then did we get a warning that you’re supposed to be a patient and thoughtful grown up? Maybe that would’ve helped a teeny-weeny bit. Maybe. Maybe not.

Being in your twenties is fun, I must say (I feel better) but at the same time it is like you’re juggling several things and you’re failing miserably. In an attempt to save something, we are losing out on everything else. It’s like a race; a race to keep everyone happy, a race to prove that you’re totally worth it, and a race that has no finish line. The only difference is that you’re in a race with yourself, your own inhibitions and insecurities, your own shortcomings and issues. Sighs. If the twenties are so twisted, I just cannot imagine how the thirties will turn out to be, scared much? Hell yeah! But till then keep smiling and take in one day at a time. ?

Happiness is free

Sometimes I wonder why we run behind material things and worldly pleasures? why are we constantly chasing something or the other? Why do we think that only material possessions might bring happiness in our lives? Why are we becoming so shallow day by day? Why the greed and jealousy? Why do we envy others and judge them? Dude, what's the point of it all?

At the end of the day, we wont take any of these riches, awards and wealth along with us. Then why don't we seek more genuine happiness in our lives? The kind of happiness that is contagious and sends good vibes to those around us! We can just share it and see it multiply! Just simply smile at the lift man who you see everyday at your office building or maybe even a total random person, I bet you'll feel good instantly and that will definitely make your day! These little things will bring more happiness than those fat paychecks, shiny metals and expensive clothing ever can. I'm not saying that I'm not fond of these worldly posessions, of course I am!  But they certainly don't make my heart happy. And I would rather look for things and experiences that make my heart happy!

The other day I went to watch "The Jungle Book" with my 8 year old cousin. Oh boy! the excitement and the smile she had on her face was priceless. The happiness that she radiated, the innocence in her eyes and the way she enjoyed each and every moment without being

bothered about the people around her, it got me thinking! I realized we grown ups have forgotten to feel such kind of happiness, we have forgotten to express our feelings. We constantly keep chasing things one after the other but we seldom stop and rejoice in what we already have! We find everything so mundane and routine that we fail to enjoy the moment we're in and instead we constantly think about and anticipate the future. Sad but true, we've forgotten to feel truly, madly and deeply happy about the little things in life.

We always try to find answers to the " Why's and What if's " of life. And in this process we miss out on the little joys that life offers us. Sometimes we overlook the little things and rest of the time we just take everything for granted. We're never happy and content with what we have and continuously keep searching and seeking because yeh dil mange more! And this Dil of ours keeps asking for more and more. There's no end to this. So we start looking for happinesss where none exists and lose the true essence of life altogether!

So, probably we should slow down a little, We're not a machine right! The time we have is limited but the opportunities to experience happiness  and the little joys are abundant! And instead of looking away, searching for something else in a hopeless and never-ending quest, you and me should sieze the opportunity when it comes our way knocking at our door! Well, Carpe Diem much? 

Fun Fact: Smile. Laugh. Love. Spread happiness. These things are totally tax free! ;)

Keep smiling, Stay Happy! :)